Jennifer Aniston is awful!

I’m going to put this as bluntly as possible: I can’t stand Jennifer Aniston. How many of her horrible, stupid, cliché romcoms do we have to endure? Every one of her movies is the same stupid thing and they're all awful. I don’t know who saw last year’s LOVE HAPPENS (not many people as it only made 20-million at the box office). But let me tell you it made that piece of crap SHE’S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE look like THE GODFATHER. Now she’s back stinking it up in that cinematic punch line THE BOUNTY HUNTER. I mean, come on. How many times can studios reinvent this junk? And by the way can the Gerard Butler experience end already? That guy hasn’t ever been within a million miles of a halfway decent script. But of course, Aniston had to date him too. Because she only dates A-listers. Wow.

The truth is Friends was one of the greatest sitcoms ever. Aniston was awesome as Rachel Green because the role required no actual acting, as Aniston couldn’t act her way out of a soaking wet paper bag. But no matter how impactful that show was, so many years ago, I don’t understand why it’s bought this untalented idiot this kind of shelf life. It‘s literally one titanic bomb after the other with Aniston. Now she’s off filming another soon-to-be crapfest with Adam Sandler, another one who couldn’t find a good movie with a hunting dog and road map. And don’t even try telling me about THE BREAK UP. That was a great movie, sure. But my sister could’ve played the part of Vaughn’s girlfriend. The role had the range of a Shaquille O’Neal jump shot. It was the supporting cast that made that flick first class. The most underappreciated actor in Hollywood: Jason Bateman, made that story work. Aniston just got in the way. Anybody who thinks Aniston’s a leading lady needs to get their head examined asap. She makes J-Lo look like Liz Taylor. And the girl-next-store, America’s-sweetheart thing went out the window way back. No matter how many highlights and all-water diets she tries, age is age. By the way did anybody see the US WEEKLY spread of her 41st birthday? That was the saddest thing I ever saw.

"Aniston just can't play the good friend anymore. She's aged out, no matter the yoga and the highlights. She just can't do America's sweetheart next door. She needs a big wake-up call," one film critic who didn't want to be named told the NY Post.

I guess the Jennifer Aniston express officially hit pathetic after the whole Brad Pitt disaster. When Pitt traded her in for someone with actual acting chops (Angelina Jolie), Aniston went all-out transparent. Clearly carrying out every aspect of her personal life in some kind of sad attempt to win Brad Pitt back or get his attention or something. I can’t even recall the countless number of gossip rags that ran stories about Jolie destroying Aniston in one humiliating episode after the other. Then it was onto John Mayer and Gerard Butler. Don’t forget Vince Vaughn who made quick work of her. Honestly the only thing more awful than her acting is her choice in men. "And as for her taste in men,” one movie producer said, it's totally off. John Mayer? Gerard Butler? She's missing a common-sense gene."

But no matter how lousy her dating chops are, there has to be something wrong with a woman who gets publically dumped over and over and over. Now she’s alone again. Maybe it’s time to give up the A-listers only thing, sweetheart.

My greatest hope on this subject is that Jen-Jen just goes away for a while. If she continues making these trainwreck movies, the snickers will come bigger and quicker than ever before. Maybe it’s time to reassess things and come back reinvented. Accept the fact that you’re middle aged and take some roles with an ounce of substance. If this comically pathetic chapter in her life rolls on any worse, we’re going to begin to forget the one good thing she did in entertainment. And that would be a shame.

By the way: April Fool's Day! I was just kidding. Nothing could ever make that by-the-numbers bomb SHE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE look like THE GODFATHER.

Brian Huba
4/1/10