This Guy's the Worst

When I was at the NYG’s-Cowboys game, there was a Cowboy fan in front, drinking like a fool, celebrating with a dance, gang symbols thrown, the baggy jersey with the big towel over the shoulder, begging for mob justice. A fan behind summed it best: "This guy's the worst," which got me thinking. So I made a list of guys that always make me say, “This guy's the worst.”

Atkins Diet Guy: He takes the bun off his cheeseburger at dinner, because he can’t eat carbs. Confession: I don’t even know what carbs are. I’ve never been on a diet. I exercise regularly, eat whatever I want. Enjoy your life, Atkins guy. Eat the bun.

Grown Man Who Watches Cartoons Guy: Is there anything more annoying than that guy who lists Futurama, Family Guy, and the Simpsons as his favorite TV shows? Would somebody tell him that a cartoon about a perpetual 3rd grader isn’t that great after 25 seasons? I know, these cartoons are satirical, I get it. Ever heard of BREAKING BAD, DEXTER, KHLOE & LAMAR?

Dress Up Cargo pants Guy: A shirt, tie, and . . . cargo pants at the office? I’ve even seen this attempted with a suit coat.

Button Down Shirt Untucked Under Sweater Guy: This was (maybe) cool when Justin Timberlake did it in 2005. But come on, guy, you’re 37 years old. You can’t think this look is working for you, can you? A grown man’s body is not meant to rock this.

Blowout/Fake Tan/Tattoos/Diamond Watch/Graphic T-shirt/Muscle Bound Guy: Do I really need to say more?

Jog With Girlfriend Guy: I can’t imagine this guy generally gets a very serious workout jogging with his girlfriend or wife. That's not really what exercising is to me.

Sideways Baseball Hat Guy: He cocks the hat to the right, so the brim is above his ear. It’s cool when Jay Z does it because . . . Actually it’s not even cool when he does it. And if Jay Z looks stupid, how do you think you look?

Facebook Post Guy: You are a grown man who posts on Facebook 13 times a day? It gets a little strange when a man is that active on social networking.

Since this idea was inspired at a sporting event, how about Worst Sports Guys?

College over Professional Guy: You rather watch Clemson vs. Georgia than watch the NFL? You like college basketball because their game is more ‘fundamental’ compared to the NBA? Kobe’s fundamentals are 1000% better than that 19-yr-old forward’s from West Virginia.

Cowboys/Yankees Guy: You like the Cowboys AND the Yankees? What’s your favorite movie? Godfather? Do you have a Scarface poster over your bed? What? You’re not even from Dallas or NY.

Eli is Overrated Guy: He’s a win away from his second Super Bowl in 4 years. He threw for 5,000 yards this year with the 32nd ranked running game, the 29th ranked defense, and the #1 ranked (opp’s. Records) NFL Schedule. He leads the NFC in total wins (last 8 years), leads in road wins, all-time road playoff wins, about to lead the NFC in active SB berths. I think he’s better than Brees (who plays 8 games in a dome and still throws the ball for yards with a 20pt lead in every game) and Rodgers (Who had one great season and one SB). Eli does nothing but win, has never missed a start, and never says or does the wrong thing, on or off the field. He’s the greatest Giant QB ever. Overrated.

And now the worst . . .

Guy Who Blogs in Local Newspaper: He writes all his meaningless little thoughts on some kind of Citizen Journalism webpage, and quasi publishes it. Like anybody cares what this guy has to say. Then he calls this collection of dribble something dumb, like the Dog’s Sleeping Shirt. This guy's the worst.

Brian Huba
1/21/12