I Got Away With One

I can never say the system didn’t give me a get-out-of-jail card. Yesterday, I was driving back into my neighborhood, and I saw litter on the roadside, a water bottle, and I ran a stop sign without even kind of stopping, en route to pick it up. I grabbed the bottle and drove off again, and a Sheriff’s SUV was right behind me, materializing out of nowhere like they always do, and let me tell you nothing fills up a rear view bigger and faster than a police vehicle. He followed me for a bit then hit the big lights, and I whispered some serious profanities to myself. This wasn’t going to be good. I was caught red handed at the red sign. I had to think fast.

He came to my car, and I asked/joked if he was pulling me over to reward me for picking up the road litter? Nope. He told me he was pulling me over for blasting right through that stop sign, and he wanted my license. I didn’t have my license. In fact, I didn’t even have a shirt on. I’d just come from Planet Fitness. I had to think fast, because I could NOT get this ticket. I had just cleaned up a stop-sign ticket two weeks ago. This ticket would mean BIG money and maybe a suspended license. You know the old saying: Bad things always happen in, um, twos. I had to think fast. No license, no shirt, so I decided to pretend that I had to go to the bathroom, #1. That was my plan.

I told the cop I lived three houses down the road and I REALLY had to go to the bathroom. He took my name, went back to his vehicle. Two minutes later, he came back, sans ticket, and I was home free. Not so fast. He wanted my DOB. While I gave it to him, I really turned on the I-got-to-go-pee dance in my seat. He asked if I was going to have an accident. I said no, I would make it. And, yep, he was writing this damn ticket. This was BIG trouble.

Then he didn’t. Two minutes after that, he came back again, and said, “Have a nice day and obey those stop signs.” Yes!! It was the first time I've EVER gotten out of a ticket. You always hear about cute girls showing some skin to get above the law. Maybe my shirtless physique did the job. Or maybe he saw my license record and knew his ticket would doom me. Or maybe it was my brilliant fib about having to pee. Either way, lesson learned. I will never run that stop sign again, even though everybody runs it. And I can never say the long arm of the law didn’t let me slide through a blatant fine and ticket. And I will be donating to that Sheriff Dept when the donating team comes a calling.

I just hope that cop isn’t a blog reader (trust me, he's not), and thus sees this and arrests me for fibbing my way out of a ticket. But the more I think about it, I really believe it was my shirtless and rippling chest that did the job. Oh wait, I just remembered, my wife was in the car also, wearing a see-through t-shirt (see through from gym sweat) cut low and short-short shorts. And didn't they have a playful exchange? I knew there was a reason I kept her around.

Any good getting-out-of-tickets stories?

Brian Huba
7/11/12