Saturday, March 1, 2014

Sonic Boom!

Rumor is the Sonic fast food chain is considering a franchise expansion into the Capital Region. I’ve never been to any of the 1950’s themed Sonics, but their TV spots have played here for years, and everything looks so good. The milkshakes, burgers, fries. The commercial’s premise is always two twenty-something guys in a drive-thru, bantering witty while enjoying heavenly fast-food treats. And then I’d think: I really want to get some Sonic. Then I’d remember: there is no Sonic around here. Then I’d wonder: why do they put their commercials on Capital Region TV?

Growing up, I've always wondered how a marketing man could be so good at making the Sonic product look totally delectable, but also wasteful enough to buy TV time in a market where said product can’t be purchased. Isn’t the goal of promotion to make people buy what you’re selling? We were in. We wanted that Sonic grub. It was torturous. Damn you, Sonic.

For the record, the closest Sonic’s in Kingston. But like I said, that could be changing soon. A few local sites have already been proposed. It's gonna happen. And I’m not sure I care anymore. I’ve outgrown fast food, which is sad in the context of this tale. I don’t eat meat (not really, at least), so I’m not sure how serial my enjoyment of their cheeseburgers would be. I've developed a crippling inability to stomach high-fat ice cream w/ all the fixings. My Sonic time may be no more. I may be too old for this.

What happened to that big-eating kid who could obliterate ten cheeseburgers in one sitting? Back then greasy burgers and lots of ice cream was my calling card. I don’t know where that big-eating kid went, but I better find him some fast food fast. I have just the plan. So I’m turning that TV-watching dream into reality.

When Sonic grand-opens in the Capital Region, I’ll be there. In fact, I’m parking out front the night before. That’s right: This guy’s gonna be the first in line. I’ll channel the lunatic energy of eighteen-year-old me. That’s gonna be me again. The big-eating kid’s back, pounding double-bacon burgers and ice-cream castles. The Sonic dream’s so close. First in line; leading the charge.

On second thought, Sonic’ll probably open on a Saturday, and Saturday is my chores day around the house, so I might not be able to make it till mid-afternoon. Hum, I should get my workout in first, because I’m gonna be housing some seriously-sized burgers. Now that you mention it, I probably should pick up some lactose pills since I'll be straight raging on that high-fat ice cream w/ everything on top. Hopefully they offer almond-milk ice cream treats. That would be better for me. While we’re on the subject, it wouldn’t hurt to research whether they have organic and/or vegan alternatives, in case the old stomach is acting up that day. Cattle used to produce Sonic burgers are grass fed, right? Better check that. If I must eat meat, it has to be from grass-fed cattle. This could take some time.

But after that . . . You better watch out, Sonic. Within the first, um, two months of you opening that Albany-area branch, you’ll see me at your retail counter. Of course I’ll have a stack of nutrition reports printed off the Internet, and I’ll be painstakingly ordering your craziest vegan burger with lettuce and thin-sliced tomato, no sauce and no bun, followed by a small all-natural French fry and bottled water. Then dessert--oh boy it’s go time--almond-milk ice cream, one scoop, and put that bitch in 100% recycled cardboard. After I fully sanitize and take my fish oil to promote cardio health, watch this ravenous beast go nuts!

See, I was wrong, I'm not too old for this. I'm still that same kid I was before.

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Brian Huba

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