Sunday, May 18, 2014

Starbucks Nation

I am so tired of hearing everybody complain about how bad they have it; how hard their job is; how crappy the economy is; how America’s on the way down. It’s a joke. America's the greatest country in the history of the world, even after George Bush had his way with it for eight years, and life here is eons easier than anywhere else on the planet. America’s that guy in flip flops reading the NEW YORKER at Starbucks. Hard to feel sorry for that guy.

We live in a country that’s rich enough to support automobile gas at $5.00 per gallon and a shack in Westchester County tagged at 300K. American life in the year 2014. I was watching CNN yesterday and I heard some bozo call the Donald Sterling story “a threat to the very fabric of our nation.” Life is so unencumbered that illegal recordings of some billionaire saying “black guys” in his bedroom is enough to throw a whole society into a month-long tizzy. Americans REALLY have nothing to worry about. And the fact that this Sterling non-story registered so high is all the proof I need. Maybe I'm just as bad. I had a tantrum today because the Internet didn't work for twenty minutes.

China's about to pass America as the world’s #1 super power. Blah, blah, blah. Who’s China’s Leader? What’s his name? What type of government does China operate under? Stop it, Starbucks guy, you don’t know a thing about China. I asked Wiki Answers what form of government China had and Wiki Answers said, “I don’t know.” China’s NEVER surpassing America. But we owe them billions in debt. So? And they can outscore us on math and science all they want, and when they graduate from Chinese medical college, we’ll be waiting at the end of the stage for the top ten percent with keys to a Manhattan penthouse and a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. Go ahead, China, wine and dine them and the US of A will take it from there. If you have a heart attack on vacation in Asia, you’re not red-eying to China for surgery, you’re on the next American airliner back to NYC. On second thought: who would ever vacation in Asia?

Do you know a single person who’s left America? Of course you don’t. Nobody leaves America. We have HD TV, Disney World, and Tom Coughlin. People from other countries will do ANYTHING to get into America. Betcha thousands die every year in rafts trying to sneak across the water, eaten by sharks, starved to death. To them it’s worth the risk. Name one thing you’d knowingly and willingly risk your life for, Starbucks guy. 8 million registered in Manhattan. 10 million walking the streets.

All this talk about the diminishing value of the American dollar. I don’t care about the weight of George Washington in Europe and/or Australia. If you handed me a hundred yen right now, I’d throw it in the garbage can with my used tissues and dinner scraps. Then I’d dig my bare hand through that same landfill to fetch an American quarter.

But America’s so evil, Brian, the evilest. Do you know that Wal-Mart makes their products in other countries and pays laborers twenty cents a day? Twenty cents in some South American country just saved a kid from eating flies out of a mud puddle. If you “slave labor” for Wal-Mart down there, you’re Puff Daddy, you’re part of the mighty American machine. And back here it gives some rich guy’s wife a chance to start a foundation to stop the exploitation of the third world, but it’s just an excuse to put on the Ritz. Nobody cares about third-world slave labor, same way nobody cared what Donald Sterling said to that dumb gold digger. It’s just look at me being so fake outraged. Ah, America.

Everybody in the world wants a piece of America. And I’m not trying to sound like a Toby Keith song here, but next time you complain about how the boss gives you no respect at your cubicle job, remember some guy from Cuba just got eaten by a shark trying to sneak into this country. If you’re not a total dope you can be a star in this country. The Duck Dynasty guys are millionaires. Enough said. You can get rich pedaling nothing. If you're not mentally ill or sign up for the Armed Services, you can live a dream life here.

If you get injured on the job, we’ll fix you in a jiff, then pay you a boatload of disability dough. In Brazil: you bleed to death in the ER. If, by some miracle, you get fired from your unionized job, you get free money from the government, then get to sue said employer for unfair practices, and probably win. If you get canned in Panama: you starve. Like Tony Soprano once said, “America, the only country where happiness is guaranteed in writing.”

I’m suddenly in the mood for some Starbucks.

Brian Huba

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant. Although- I would have to say that America does have one downside- pandering- and we can blame American culture for that, which it is but a part of. I don't want to name anyone in particular, but lets just sum it up in one phrase: "White guilt." And American culture is pretty sickening at its core- and its only getting worse with every passing year. Drinking, fornication, drugs, killings, horrific rap music (again going back to the aforementioned pandering issue), stupid trends (twerking, Harlem shake, etc.) and a misguided population of youth (thanks to equally misguided idols like KimK et al.) all point to a disaster in the making. In other words, the undoing of the great nation of the U.S.A- of course, we can import all the geniuses we want- but in the end, we will have to accept defeat. Other countries are catching up- and its only a matter of time before the depraved, hedonistic, ultra-liberal, laid-back American culture destroys the future of this country- its youth.