Sunday, September 7, 2014
At the end of this month I turn 35 years old. That means I officially made it to almost 35. So I started thinking about some of the things I’m probably too old to wear, or eat, or do. I came up with 15 of them. Here’s the list.
1.Wearing my sunglasses pushed up on my forehead: I’ve never done this and never would. But now that I’m almost 35 I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to.
2.Wearing sweaters with un-tucked dress shirt underneath: I can’t think of anything sadder than an almost-35-year-old man trying to pull this look off. I say this with all respect to TV’s Ted Mosby.
3.T-shirt half tucked and half un-tucked around the beltline: Bro, are you serious?
4.Wearing clothes where the manufacturer’s insignia is displayed: The days of shirts with the Express Lion on the breast are done. I now uniformly wear plain shirt and plain pants. There aren’t graphics or name brands or logos. I take daily two fish oil pills to promote cardio health. I’m not wearing a graphic tee.
5.Going out to the sports bar for the big game: Discount wings, draft beer, and a wall of flat screen TVs all showing different NFL tilts was once my idea of an epic night out. Now it sounds like a super hassle. I’m too old for the sports bar.
6.Pulling up somewhere with loud music blaring from my car: In high school having the big speakers booming in the back was cool. Then that phase ended and you just ripped into parking lots with your super-cool Third Eye Blind rocking. “I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.” But now . . . I’m just not sure how "gangsta" I’d look with Dan Brown’s INFERNO audio-CD on full blast when I rolled through.
7.Being seen walking around the mall: Here’s the deal. If I have to go to the mall these days it’s most often to hit an anchor store. So I park outside Macy’s or Boscov’s or Sears, go in, do my shopping, directly exit that store.
8.Having a picture on a wall in my house that isn’t framed or behind glass: Take down the Bob Markey poster or that other one of John Belushi from ANIMAL HOUSE. You’re almost 35, my man. Time to put on your bog-boy pants.
9.Being a groom’s man: This has nothing to do with being 35. When I got married that ended.
10.Alive at Five/Rocking on the River/Outdoor Music Fest: Back when I went to see the Tom Petty cover band it wasn’t for the reconditioned music. It was because the place was packed with hot girls in their twenties. Now I can’t get hot girls in their twenties so I’m just going to the actual Tom Petty show.
11.Adult-themed cartoons: It stopped being clever and quirky and ironical when you were a junior in college.
12.Watching E! Entertainment Television: If you’re a TV network that airs a reality show starring Giuliana Rancic, umm, I’m too old to watch you.
The Other Stuff
13.Having crumpled McDonald’s bags anywhere I live, work, drive, or hang out: On a seventh grade field trip to Proctor’s I ate six cheeseburgers, a large fry, and chocolate shake in one sitting. But that was then and this is now. And now I haven’t been to Mickey D’s in five years at least. Is it still the best food on the planet? No doubt. I could inhale ten cheeseburgers right now, and I just had lunch. Lo and behold the cheeseburger champ has retired.
14.Pleading with my wife to throw out all wood-colored wedge heels: Now that I’m almost 35 years old, I need all parts of my life to look the part. This is going to cost me a pretty penny on replacement purchases, but I’ve convinced my wife to let the Kendall Jenner footwear go.
15.Rocking the baseball cap: I’m done wearing the NY Yankees hat to Home Depot. The baseball cap can only be donned when going out to watch the big game. But, as I indicated earlier in this list, I’m too old for going out to the game too.
Looking back I can’t believe I made it to almost 35. I’ve gotten lucky and been blessed. But this life has not been easy. It’s been hard. But it’s the wounds and the loss and the hurt that makes the great so great. Only one great thing has ever happened to me. Just one and no more. See what I mean? And on we go.