Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bucking the Odds: Celebrity Non-Deaths

Driving back from NYC on Wednesday, a strange conversation came up in the car. We began discussing celebrities that we couldn’t believe weren’t dead yet. Horrible? Sure. But the discussion turned pretty interesting at points. As anyone who knows me will say, I always have a top ten list ready for any topic that may come up, no matter how bizarre or outside the box. The following list is made up of ten celebrities I can’t believe are still plugging along. There are actors, musicians, and political figures. Some are old, some are young, some in-between. For what it’s worth, here’s my top ten, in order.

10. John Goodman, 57. When Goodman got Roseanne in ’88 he was easily 300lbs. Every year since then he’s ostensibly gained 10-20lbs. I simply don’t know how long this level of beer-guzzling gluttony can go on for. John Candy hardly hit 42. Maybe Goodman should be considered Good luck.

9. Charlie Sheen, 44. This guy’s been a train wreck for 20 years. He’s had problems with everything from prostitution to drug abuse. In an interview a few years back, Charlie Sheen said he was in such bad shape that Slash from Guns N’ Roses had to tell him to take it easy. Wow. Didn’t Charlie recently drive his car off a cliff? Wow again.

8. Betty White, 88. In 1985 when White was cast as Rose Nylund on the Golden Girls (the original Sex & the City), she was really, really old. That was 25 years ago! At 88, White isn’t just alive she’s still making movies. Last year in The Proposal she played a grandmother who faked a heart attack. A few more takes of that fake-out and there could’ve been a serious on-set tragedy.

7. Keith Richards, 66. OK I admit this is a pretty generic one. But come on. The guy’s pushing 70 and he looks like a California Raisin. He’s boozed hard, partied hard, and toured hard for 40-plus years. There’s even a story that he once fell out of a tree, and obviously, survived. Maybe hanging out with Johnny Depp has kept him young. What can I say this 132lb prune is indestructible. Hang Fire!

6. Lindsey Lohan, 23. The truth is Lohan was once a great young actress, in a business where there aren’t too many of them right now. If you can’t see a tragic ending coming for this kid, get your eyes checked because you’re probably blind. I believe Lohan’s death will be, in many ways, the end of this Look At Me Generation. Of course this Hollywood story has been told 1,000 times. But Lohan is going to be a bad one. And, believe me: it’s coming.

5. Ozzy Osbourne, 61. Come on, what do I really have to say about this guy? He once bit the head off a bat. At 61, he can’t talk or walk straight. He’s abused every drug on Earth. He was the lead singer of Black Sabbath, who had his rock soul ripped out for some crappy reality show. Plus he’s married to that Sharon woman. One would think that sufficient motivation to get busy dying. Nope. Ozzy’s still hanging around. Too bad I can’t say the same thing for that bat he ate. I AM IRON MAN.

4. Artie Lange, 42. In some pathetic attempt to be like his Hollywood heroes John Belushi and Chris Farley, fat-and-troubled comic Artie Lange has done practically everything possible to cut his life short. Most recently he stabbed himself 9 times in the torso. Come on Artie, the outrageous eating, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and constant suicide attempts have gotten you nowhere in this regard. Stick around, Maybe you’re meant to cure cancer.

3. Geraldo Rivera, 66. This guy would wrestle a mountain lion for ratings. He has been to Iraq and Afghanistan. He took on Satanism. He’s feuded with the New York Times. He’s been spit on and punched in the face. Nothing has stopped him or shut him up.

2. Mike Tyson, 43. Iron Mike. This guy had dead at 25 written all over him, so we thought. The 80’s were about three Mikes: Tyson, Jordan, and Jackson. The more things change the more they stay the same. I don’t know what else to say. How the heck is Michael Jackson dead and Mike Tyson is still alive? As Iron Mike would say: This is luda-kiss.

1. Osama bin Laden, 52? So let me get this straight. The man who proclaimed responsibility for 9/11 has been able to elude the most powerful armed forces in world history for ten years? One of the chief purposes of our Middle East occupation has been to pull this guy from his hole and parade his head-on-a-stick down the streets of Kabul. But he’s outsmarted us at every turn. Really? Didn’t it take us like 3 weeks to capture Saddam and his sons? I’m beginning to think that this bin Laden guy might be a boogeyman our government has invented to keep us in fear of the “next attack.” Doesn’t he have something like a 25-million dollar bounty on his head? Nobody, not one person in the 3rd world has been tempted to tip us off to the whereabouts of a 6’7” Muslim for that kind of cash? This guy should’ve been on ice eight years ago.

Honorable mentions. Louie Anderson, Axl Rose, Mickey Rourke, Stevie Nicks, Howard Stern, Dick Clark.
Brian Huba

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