Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Can Somebody Please Explain . . .

Can somebody please explain . . . why rock-icon Eric Clapton is making T-Mobile commercials at 70 years old? Clapton is the greatest guitar player who’s ever lived. He’s a three-time inductee to the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. This is the man who wrote “Bell Bottom Blues” and delivered the seven-minute guitar solo at the end of “Layla.” For God’s sake, he stole George Harrison’s wife. Now, he’s hawking third-rate cell phones? Why? It can’t be for money or relevance. In London there’s walls spray-painted with the words “Clapton is God.” Come on slow hand. Leave this work for hacks like Luke Wilson and no-talents like Nick Lachey.

Can somebody please explain . . . how movies like When in Rome, Leap Year, and Dear John actually get made? Following perhaps the greatest year in movies ever (08-09) where we were given flicks like the Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire, Gran Torino, and Frozen River, 2010 is looking like it’s going to be pretty bad. Lovely Bones was a disaster of epic proportions, and now these cliché, unoriginal, run-of-the-mill romcoms. Is there anyone in Hollywood who can make something besides this ridiculous junk? I give you a brilliant quote from the upcoming piece of garbage She’s Outta Your League: "You're not supposed to be on your phone, it's bad for the plane." friend of Patty (played by Krysten Ritter) then says: "Oh, I'm sorry, are you a plane doctor? No, so shut the hell up." What can I say? This crap writes itself.

Can somebody please explain . . . why the NFL insists on playing the Pro Bowl? Whether it’s before, after, or during the Super Bowl, this glorified scrimmage is the most irrelevant three hours in sports. Who cares about a game where our gridiron giants play at half-speed and nothing at all is at stake? Why doesn’t the NFL just dub players Pro Bowlers and dump the game, same way college does with their All-American Team.

Can somebody please explain . . . why someone who belongs to the middle class would spend 50K on a wedding? Could there possibly be a bigger waste of money than a one-night, look-at-me party that everybody forgets in five weeks anyway? In the last year, I’ve been to a 10K wedding in some backyard and a 50K wedding at the Glen Sanders Mansion. To be honest, I couldn’t even tell the difference. Both had food, music, and all that other wedding stuff. And, to be honest, the 10K party was twice as fun as the self-righteous affair that cost some poor father of the bride a full year’s salary. Are Americans really this selfish and self-involved? There are people in this world who know nothing but starvation and suffering. Get over yourself.

Can somebody please explain . . . the reason for real estate agents? My experience with real estate agents is as follows: They show up at the viewing, stand in the corner, know absolutely nothing about the property, never do anything extra, get irritated when asked to do anything, make negotiating with the selling agent a nightmare, then collect 5K when the deal is mercifully done. As far as finding listings, there’s a little invention called the Internet. Take five minutes, find the house yourself, set up the showing, and use the 5K towards the house/apartment purchase. I will never forget the last thing my one real estate agent said to me, "It’s not my job to sell you a house.” Umm, ok. Then what is your job?

Can somebody please explain . . . why people smoke? Smoking? Really? It’s not cool. It’s disgusting. It’s impossible to quit. Then you die a premature, painful death. Plus they’re like $9 a pack. Smoking? Really?

Can somebody please explain . . . why people keep their Christmas lights hung on their house all year around? Nothing says I have no pride or self respect more than leaving fake reindeer in the summer grass, wreaths on the front door, and blinking lights around all the windows. Not only is it incredibly lazy, it makes the rest of the neighborhood look low-class and dingy. Come on homeowners, put down the TV remote for five minutes, and take the string of lights down till December.

Can somebody please explain . . . why people tan/spray tan in the middle of winter? What can I say? You look absolutely ridiculous and are riding a rocket ship to skin cancer. Change that, why does anyone tan/spray tan at anytime during the year?

Can somebody please explain . . . why morning talk radio is ALWAYS so bad? Morning FM radio is perhaps the corniest, most unfunny thing on the planet. From the terrible bits, to the robotic DJ’s, and the dumb anecdotes that are meant to be witty but are beyond stupid, all of it is literally unlistenable. Can anyone besides Howard Stern find a better way to do this? Please.

Can somebody please explain . . . the appeal of NASCAR/Stock car racing spectators? From Daytona to Lebanon Valley, I just don’t get it. Sorry. It’s cars racing around a circle at deafening levels. I just don’t get it.

Can somebody please explain . . . why Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately) is supposed to be funny? Umm, she’s not even remotely funny. Is her show an actual talk show or is it mocking a talk show? Her humor is weirdly juvenille and just really obvious and unclever. Either way the show is unwatchable.

(A requested one) Can somebody please explain . . . John Mayer? I’ll leave that one up to you guys. But for the record, I don’t get him either.

Brian Huba


  1. Can someone please explain... if this is supposed to be funny, witty, intelligent.....my 8 yr old has better sense

  2. clapton is supremely overrated.
    real estate agents are paid by the seller. there is no reason not to consult an agent when looking to purchase a house. it costs nothing.