Friday, November 2, 2012

This Guy's the Worst: Part II

When I was at the NYG’s-Cowboys game last December, there was a Cowboy fan in front, drinking like a fool, celebrating with a dance, gang symbols thrown, the baggy jersey with the big towel over the shoulder, begging for mob justice. A fan behind summed it best: "This guy's the worst," which got me thinking. So I made a list of guys that always make me say, “This guy's the worst.” Read original list here: This is my second list of the guys that make me say, "This guy's the worst."

Guy Who Stands Outside the Bathroom: Have you ever been at work, using the bathroom, and you hear the knob jingle as a co-worker is trying to get in while you’re finishing up? In this case, the understood etiquette is that the person who can’t get in walks away or hits another b-room, right? But this guy instead stands right outside the door, so when you emerge, you have to basically bump chests with him on your way out. If you are a guy who stands outside the bathroom at work and waits, stop ASAP. That guy is the worst.

Guy Who Does Family Things During NFL Sunday: Let me get this straight, you claim to be a diehard NY Jets Fan, or even worse, a diehard Buffalo Bills fan, but during the game, you’re at Gould Orchards with the family? What? You mean you’re following your favorite football team on your I-Phone? I’m sorry, if you are not in front of a TV to watch every single game your favorite team plays, you are not a top-notch fan. You can go to Gould Orchards or the haunted hayride during the Yankees game, of course, because baseball is a snooze fest. But this is the NFL, man. You will not see me at Home Depot this Sunday buying lawn bags during the Giants vs. Steelers game. Count on that.

Guy Who Drives a Subaru: I don't know why this guy bothers me so much. I guess Guy Who Drives a Subaru is just a little too Burlington and box of granola.

Guy Who Does Fantasy Football: I don't know anything about FF, I will admit that, but it is so annoying recapping the weekend's games with this guy because all he ever talks about is how many points Chris Johnson got him or how many points the Eagles Defense cost him, etc. It's just a weird way to root on Sundays, I suppose. For me, the NFL is wanting my favorite team to win, and talking about that on Monday. Not being upset because you're now in third place in your pretend league because of the St. Louis Rams Special Teams.

City Guy: I think we can all agree that NYC is the best place on the Planet, and if you live in NYC, it's pretty awesome. But we all know that guy who references "the City" in almost every social situation. You know, City Guy. You could be talking about anything from sports to favorite TV shows, and this guy will somehow work how he lives in "the City" into the conversation. City Guy is kind of a cousin of the all-time worst guy, Topper Guy. You know Topper, he tops every single story you tell. City Guy is sort of that guy in a lot of ways.

Guy Who Wears Graphic Tees: You’re 37 years old, and you’re wearing a t-shirt that says, “Let the Haters keep on Hating” with a graphic fist punching through a graphic brick? What else are you going to tell me: You’re one of those guys with a tribal-band tattoo around your bicep? This is almost as bad as the 37 year old who wears Hollister or American Eagle sweatshirts. Men, if you’re older than 30 just wear regular clothes that don’t say Hollister in huge letters or have whole story lines depicted on the front in graphic illustration. Regular, plain clothing. You’re a grown man for God’s sake.

Guy Who Puts Inflatables on his Front Yard: Tis the Season. This guy must have no idea how cheesy the inflatable ghost or inflatable Santa Claus looks on his front lawn or he’d take it down today. The thing I hate about the inflatable ghost and/or Santa is how it deflates every day and lays on the lawn like a garbage bag, and every day he has to go outside and blow it back up, only for it to deflate again. It looks cheap, and terrible, and tacky, guy, sorry.

Guy Who Wears Flip Flops at the Office: I can tolerate a man wearing flip flops during the summer in social situations. I never would be caught dead in flip flops. But I’m not going to hate on that guy. But come on, I know it’s Friday, but must you flop around the workplace in beach-ready flip flops? This is a business setting and I can’t imagine anyone is going to take seriously a grown man dressed like he’s in a Beach Boys video. Top that off with a pair of jeans, Hollister sweatshirt, and graphic tee underneath, and you’re ready to be the laughing stock of your office.

And now the worst

Guy Who Complains on Facebook about Hurricane Sandy Missing Cap Reg: I’m so sorry you had to stop off after work on Monday and pick up batteries for nothing. Yeah, you should really be venting about that on your dumb Facebook Page. How could the Albany Weathermen have been SO wrong and put you SO far out? Why are you made to suffer like this? What a waste of twelve dollars. It’s the worst. Oh wait: Have you seen pictures of Queens and New Jersey since Sandy? Do you realize people in the prime of their lives are dead and gone? Do you realize people lost their homes, their cars, their pets, everything! Your unnecessary CVS batteries aside, you should be thanking God these weathermen were cartoonishly off point about Sandy’s trek, stunningly off the mark, really. We got away with murder on this one, Cap Reg, and for that, I am thankful.

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Brian Huba

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