Monday, March 1, 2010

Can Somebody Please Explain Part II

Because my first “Can Somebody Please Explain . . .” column was the most widely read blog in the history of the world, and the most commented-on story in the history of the Troy Record’s web presence. And given the fact that fans have been camped outside the converted cargo van with satellite TV where I live, begging me to write another Can Somebody Please Explain list, I have decided to give my millions and millions, and dozens more, of faithful readers what they want. Here’s just a sample of some of the incredible feedback my last list received. Jim said, “Can someone please explain... if this is supposed to be funny, witty, 8 yr old has better sense.” Thanks, Jim and thank your super-smart 8 year old. You guys are why I get up at 3am everyday and dream these gems up. So for what it’s worth, here’s my latest Can Somebody Please Explain list.

Can Somebody Please Explain . . . Why so many movies depict characters stranded at the airport arguing with airport personnel for another flight when their flight has been canceled due to unsafe conditions? (See Four Christmases.) Is this supposed to be realistic? I have never, in real life, seen somebody arguing for an unsafe takeoff. I promise you one thing: If the pilot of my flight tells me that he’s unwilling to takeoff for fear that it could be dangerous, I am not arguing with anybody. I don’t care where I’m flying. If the captain says “no go” that’s more than fine by me. Argument over.

(On that same note) Can Somebody please Explain . . . Why are people in movies always fainting? I have never seen a SINGLE person ever faint in real life. But Hollywood acts like every time something serious happens, bring on the faints. For God’s sake, somebody faints in literally every other scene of Home Alone. “Ahhh, Kevin!” Faint. Ahh, get that woman a neurologist asap!

Can Somebody Please Explain . . . Why people insist on calling Olympic athletes the best athletes in the world? As great as downhill skier Bode Miller may be, and as novel as the USA Curling Team is, nobody in Canada was anywhere near the world’s best. And it’s the same thing with the summer athletes. You must realize that Reggie Bush would make every men’s figure skater in the world his personal hand-puppet. Right? OK, I will give you this: these are the best athletes in the world until Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, the Denver Nuggets, the entire NFL, and that old guy with the toupee and sweet jump shot at the YMCA show up. Until then, Olympic athletes are the best.

Can Somebody Please Explain . . . the appeal of Jennifer Aniston? Is there anything sadder than an aging, marginally-talented actress who has turned her miserably unsuccessful love life into a tabloid farce? Of course I’m writing about the former Rachel Green. Was Friends a great sitcom? Maybe the best ever. Was Rachel Green a great character? Spot on. But the 25 big-screen reincarnations of this same character since have translated into some pretty forgettable romcoms. This gal has the range of an earthworm. Add that to this really weird, never-ending obsession with Brad Pitt, and you have a pathetic 41 year old who dates and gets dumped by A-listers only. When I recently saw the US Weekly spread of her 41st birthday party, I admittedly got pretty sad.

(On that same note) Can Somebody Please Explain . . . The 1980’s appeal of Molly Ringwald? Let me figure this thing out. First, she was an AWFUL actress, absolute dead weight on screen, without a speck of relate-ability or appeal. Second, she had horrifyingly red hair and the whitest, palest skin I have ever seen on a human being. Her looks were the ingredients of my worst nightmare. Remember Chuckie?! Third, every single movie she was ever in was good, despite her. Thank Anthony Michael Hall for Sixteen Candles and James Spader/Jon Cryer for Pretty in Pink. And, let’s be honest people, The Breakfast Club sucked. And despite all that, Ringwald was initially offered the role of Julia Roberts’s Pretty Woman!!!! What?! And, wait for it . . . she turned it down!!!! Proving she’s not only a terrible actress but, off camera, maybe the stupidest human being alive.

Can Somebody Please Explain . . . The Price is Right? Let me put it this way: if you’re under the age of 70 and have watched a single episode of the Price in the last ten years it's safe to say you're not setting the world on fire. Anybody who has the time and the desire to sit on a couch and watch TV at 11AM weekdays really doesn’t have a lot going on in this life. The only thing that would make the Price is Right any sadder would be if Jennifer Aniston became the new host. Same rule goes for Good Morning America and Regis and Kelly.

Can Somebody Please Explain . . . the reason Sports Illustrated magazine still exists? By the time the magazine comes out, the sports stories are old and the stats/facts/figures are all outdated. Twenty years ago, that’s no big deal. But with all this instant-access to the sports world, who wants to sit down and read articles about big games that are gone, and, most times, not really relevant? Sure the photos are cool. But Sports Illustrated is the equivalent of reading a newspaper from the day before. I have better things to do.

Can Somebody Please Explain . . . The Point of watching July 4th Fireworks? Is this supposed to be fun? Let’s get a bunch of drunken people packed together and shoot minor explosives into the sky, while everyone goes “oohhhh” and “aaahhhh” for 45 minutes. How excited can someone past the age of five really get about this sort of thing? Watching fireworks, in any capacity, is the stupidest tradition in this country, bar none. Everything about it is annoying and not at all fun. If you rush to the Empire Plaza, and deal with that crowd, every July, you are either very, very easily amused or just really, really stupid.

(On the same note) Can Somebody Please Explain . . . Why anyone would ever watch a parade, of any sort? Besides fireworks, parades are a piece of Americana that just baffle my brain. So let me get this straight: you drive to some city street, park far, far away, fight massive crowds, while carrying your cooler and special “parade day” chair, then watch a bunch of people walk by while you clap and hoot and holler? Umm . . . OK, sounds awesome. One rule: make sure said parade doesn’t conflict with the stock car races at LebValley and the Toby Keith concert at the TU.

Can somebody please explain . . . why Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately) is supposed to be funny? Umm, she’s not even remotely funny. Is her show an actual talk show or is it mocking a talk show? Her humor is weirdly juvenile and just really obvious and unclever. Either way the show is unwatchable. (I actually added this to my original list about a week later than originally published. It was worth re-mentioning.)

Brian Huba

1 comment:

  1. SI comes out every week, dude. They do try to keep up with current events.