Sunday, February 10, 2013

This Doesn't End Well

This whole Bieber Fever thing is getting downright disturbing. Did anyone see SNL last night starring the Beebs? It was the most uncomfortable hour and a half of TV I’ve seen in a long time. First off, his entire presentation is wildly unoriginal and so plotted out that it comes off artificial. He has zero connect-ability with the camera or the crowd. It was like watching a caricature of a teen heart throb, like how it would be in a movie or TV show mocking teenie boppers.

All the over-the-top attempts to make this 5’6” peach-fuzz child sexy, with the screaming girls, and kisses on the cheek, and the way he moves and sings oh-so sexy, it's getting a little too orchestrated. He’s not a man. He’s not a sex symbol. He’s a spikey-haired pre-pubescent. Very disturbing.

Justin Bieber. It's like five years ago someone walked into a middle school, found the most adorable kid in third period math, and poured millions into making him a heart throb. (I know Usher discovered him.) Is Bieber Fever a crazy bet by a couple billionaires or something? Bieber looks like a mouse in a snake tank on stage. He has no chops, no natural presence, no talent. I ripped Beyonce but the Beebs is non-human on camera. The whole gist of every public appearance is trying to make him so sexy, so grown up. Every SNL sketch was about how alluring he was, and so many girls just scream uncontrollably in his wake. All this screaming. It looked like my little brother trying to get through SNL. I will give him some credit here: He did let SNL rip him pretty good.

Then came his “serious” musical performance, a slow song performed on a stool. He was dressed in a sleeveless a-shirt, and the camera got nice and tight on his "bulging" biceps that are thinner than a fourteen-year-old girl’s arms. The song was gibberish. But he sang it oh-so-sexy. He winked at the camera, showed off his "manly tats," got all pouty-mouthed in the emotional parts. It's a joke.

The SNL show mercifully ended after another “sexy” performance by JB then a few more sketches about his oh-so toned abs. Do you mean his ribs? The Beebs. We’re all getting Punk’d here, right? This child hasn’t actually made 70 million dollars, has he? The New Kids on the Block were better than Justin Bieber. And the saddest part of all this is the certain train wreck that begins when everyone realizes Justin Bieber has no reason to be anywhere near show business. Yeah, this doesn’t end well.

Read More:


Brian Huba

1 comment:

  1. He will be a nobody in a few years.... just wait.