Sunday, February 10, 2013
This Doesn't End Well
All the over-the-top attempts to make this 5’6” peach-fuzz child sexy, with the screaming girls, and kisses on the cheek, and the way he moves and sings oh-so sexy, it's getting a little too orchestrated. He’s not a man. He’s not a sex symbol. He’s a spikey-haired pre-pubescent. Very disturbing.
Justin Bieber. It's like five years ago someone walked into a middle school, found the most adorable kid in third period math, and poured millions into making him a heart throb. (I know Usher discovered him.) Is Bieber Fever a crazy bet by a couple billionaires or something? Bieber looks like a mouse in a snake tank on stage. He has no chops, no natural presence, no talent. I ripped Beyonce but the Beebs is non-human on camera. The whole gist of every public appearance is trying to make him so sexy, so grown up. Every SNL sketch was about how alluring he was, and so many girls just scream uncontrollably in his wake. All this screaming. It looked like my little brother trying to get through SNL. I will give him some credit here: He did let SNL rip him pretty good.
Then came his “serious” musical performance, a slow song performed on a stool. He was dressed in a sleeveless a-shirt, and the camera got nice and tight on his "bulging" biceps that are thinner than a fourteen-year-old girl’s arms. The song was gibberish. But he sang it oh-so-sexy. He winked at the camera, showed off his "manly tats," got all pouty-mouthed in the emotional parts. It's a joke.
The SNL show mercifully ended after another “sexy” performance by JB then a few more sketches about his oh-so toned abs. Do you mean his ribs? The Beebs. We’re all getting Punk’d here, right? This child hasn’t actually made 70 million dollars, has he? The New Kids on the Block were better than Justin Bieber. And the saddest part of all this is the certain train wreck that begins when everyone realizes Justin Bieber has no reason to be anywhere near show business. Yeah, this doesn’t end well.