One plucky reader recently wrote, “Brian, you are so incredibly stupid and mis-educated that I doubt you will ever attain a competent level of critical thinking.” With so much love being shot my way by one of my many infatuated fans, I have decided to write ANOTHER list of things that are Historically Overrated. So, for what it’s worth, here we go, and hold on.
10. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana: Supposedly this song was the anthem of an entire generation. Ummm OK. To me the song is kind of annoying, I can’t understand a single word of the verses, it is so overplayed, the video is stupid and kind of hard to watch, and it is always #1 on every single countdown of Top 90’s Songs. Why? Well, we all know why. With the lights out/It’s less dangerous/Here we are now/Entertain us. I have no idea why these lyrics have been so revered by history. If I had to pick the best song from the 90’s it would have to be REM’s Losing My Religion. One more Nirvana gem: A mullato/an albino/a mosquito/my libido/yeah!
9. New Year’s Eve: Simply put: It’s never that much fun. In fact, it’s kind of depressing. You try going out it’s always amateur night. Restaurants are always booked to the hilt. As far as the media coverage goes, you have Dick Clark on one channel (ABC) and Snooki on the other (MTV). The whole Times Square deal is ridiculous. Who would ever do that? I haven’t had a single fun NYE. OK, I had one, but that’s it. Too much build up for nothing. 10…9…8…7
8. The NFL Live: Have you ever tried making a day out of going to Giants’ Stadium? Wow is it an insane undertaking. It’s a three hour drive each way, with two hours of traffic. There’s no parking. Everything is absurdly overpriced. Even the best seats put you way off the field. If you look at that meatball fan from NJ wrong, he’s likely to pummel you to the parking lot in front of all your friends. Tailgating is just kind of annoying. Everybody is drunk, there’s always fights, and the next day at work is a nightmare of exhaustion. I own a TV that’s so clear I can see Tom Coughlin’s nose hairs curl. Although I get to the stadium once or twice a year and have super seats, the TV and recliner is good enough.
7. Will Smith: Can somebody please explain to me why Will Smith is so beloved in this country, and so rich and wealthy? He is considered to be in the same Hollywood circles as Tom Cruise. What?! It is like a Federal Offense to dislike the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. People, it was awful! I can’t even get through 5 minutes of Will Smith’s over-the-top facial expressions, and outbursts, and horrible acting. Every movie he’s ever made is terrible. Hitch might be the worst movie ever made. And his Oscar role, Ali, are you joking me? Ali was unwatchable. And his wife, Jada Pickett Smith, and his kids, Willow and Jaden (or whatever) are all complete nightmares. I don’t get the whole Will Smith thing. Dammmnnnnnn, girrrlll.
6. Everything Kardashian: Did you know that Kim Kardashian is the most photographed woman in the world? Oh my God. Have you ever tried sitting through an episode of any of these Kardashian carnations? Let me summarize. The whole thing is staged, absolutely nothing ever happens in any episode, there’s 15 minutes of commercials, and the Kardashians, as cute as they may be, are complete bores, every one of them. And, by the way, if you think that Kim or Khloe or Kourtney would be cool to hang out, you’re crazy. Each is more soulless, selfish, and dimwitted than the next. If you can’t see that, I don’t know what you’re seeing. It would be like hanging out with mindless robots who have nice hair and wear expensive shoes.
5. Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties: Can we just admit that every one of these kinds of parties is embarrassing for everyone involved? I really don’t know how to articulate this, but you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you are forced to be in a wedding, I’m sure you cringe at the entire BP process. From the limos to the $$$ to the rest of the stupidity. This whole getting married thing has gotten crazy. From the engagement party to the BP party to the shower to the wedding website to the actual wedding to the gift. Arrêter the madness already.
4. The Beastie Boys: I know, I know, you sound so hip and relevant when you say things about the Beasties being musical geniuses and innovators in the industry. I get it. You’re very hip. But honestly you and I both know that Beasties’ music is nonsense and gibberish. Girls/All I really want is girls/in the morning it’s girls/in the evening it’s girls. I mean, come on, why didn’t John Lennon dream up that little gem? You gotta fight for your right to party! You’re mom caught you smoking and she said no way! All right, what can I say? Musical geniuses.
3. Energy Drinks: Anybody who slurps down energy drinks in normal life situations is totally goofy and bonkers. All these energy drinks are irrelevant, insane, and horribly unhealthy. You’re having an energy drink (one of those big purple cans called Cyclone or whatever) at 1PM in your cubicle? Ahhh. Dude, whatever.
2. Anything from the past: I am so tired of hearing how great Babe Ruth was, and how funny SNL used to be, or how great Chuck Berry and Public Enemy were, or how hilarious Animal House was, or how great of an actor Gregory Peck was, or how the Honeymooners was so great, but not as great as All in the Family. Let me put this as plain as possible: Everything today (in this regard) is a million times better than it was back then. Let’s start with sports. Do you have any idea what Shaq would’ve done to 7’0” 185lb Kareem Abdul Jabbar? Biggie, Tupac, Eminem were/are a BILLION TIMES better than “I said a hip, hop a hippidy-hop.” Seinfeld, Modern Family, Curb Your Enthusiasm are all in another stratosphere when compared to Lucy or whatever. SNL in the 70’s and 80’s stunk. I know, I know, Chevy Chase fell down a lot. That’s really funny, I get it, but there was just nothing sharp or super clever in any avenue back then. Do you really think Monty Python is better than Meet the Parents or Old School? Yeah, OK
1. Maya Angelou: As far back as I can remember, I have been told how smart and relevant Maya Angelou is. If you even say the name Maya around Oprah Winfrey she’ll have a hot flash. As for me, I just don’t get anything about Angelou. Her poetry makes no sense, her stories are wholly unreadable, yet she is viewed as some kind of once-in-a-lifetime oracle. Whenever there’s a major news event or political death etc, we always have to be spoon-fed some insane Maya Angelou quote that nobody ever understands but we all accept because she’s so brilliant. Here’s a few of Maya’s greatest hits to leave you with.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” –Maya Angelou
“When we cast our bread upon the waters, we can presume that someone downstream whose face we will never know will benefit from our action, as we who are downstream from another will profit from that grantor's gift” –Maya Angelou
“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.” –Maya Angelou
“Huh?! What does any of that even mean?” –Brian Huba